Fill Away, My Friend.

The Unkissed Man (1) My Father

What was your childhood like? What was your dad like? Did you get along?
My father didn't think much of me ___ up. He was constantly telling me I was useless and would never ___ to anything. It got pretty ___ sometimes. I remember being in my grandfather’s plane at 12,000 feet once and my dad was yelling such terrible things at me that at one point I tried to open the door and jump out.

Knock yourself out.

The Unkissed Man (2) On The Safe Side

When your father was violent, what did he do to you? Did you ever stand up to him? Did he ever punish you for something you didn't do?
I was such a small, ___ child and he was a big muscular guy; I didn’t even come up to his waist. I was totally at his ___ . I was too weak to defend myself or stand up to him and anyway, if I'd ever tried, I wouldn't be sitting here now—I'm pretty sure he would have killed me, and I'm not exaggerating.

Knock yourself out.

The Unkissed Man (2-1) The School

What was your social life like when you were growing up? Were you bullied in high school? What was it about you that made the other kids dislike you?
I did have some friends, but I still got beat up and teased and ___ on a regular basis because of how I looked. I was such an easy target. I was this rail-thin nerd whose left eye was ___ up and who ___ cardboard in his shoes to make himself look taller. As if that weren't enough I had crooked teeth, ___ all over his face and really bad BO.

Knock yourself out.

The Unkissed Man (2-2) How I Spend My Days

Do you work at the moment? Do you have financial worries? Who do you stay with?
No. I'm having some leg trouble and my back is out, not to mention many other medical ___ . I gave up any hope of ever getting a ___ job and a ___ paycheck a long time ago. At this point I’m just waiting to get a decision on my disability so I can ___ off the government.

Knock yourself out.

Get The Machete! (1) The Machete

My Dad has given me nothing ___ advice my whole life. Not good advice necessarily, just random advice. In fact, ___ to think of it, he only gave me one piece of good advice in my entire life. This happened when I was 18. ___ when I sold my comic book collection and moved out of my parent's house.

Knock yourself out.

Get The Machete! (2) The Monkey and the Outfits

Like ___ poor kids, growing up my dad really wanted a monkey. There used to be a chain of department stores in Boston in the 60s that sold everything that Target sold ___ it also sold spider monkeys. They cost $60 ___ , and you could also buy outfits for the monkeys for $6 each.

Knock yourself out.

Get The Machete! (3) Exotic Pets

When I was growing up, my dad became ___ with exotic pets. We had a little bit of extra money at one time and my Dad used ___ to buy exotic pets. He and I ___ go into a pet store, the owner would come out, which apparently is a big ___ , he'd turn the sign on the door to CLOSED, he'd take us into the back room and be ___ , You wanna buy these? I don't even know what it is.

Knock yourself out.

Get The Machete! (4) The Snake

So I come ___ Christmas morning and there's a box under the tree for me. I open it up and it's a python, which is a snake. I look at my dad and I'm like, I don't know what you got me for Christmas but at some ___ during the night a snake got in here and ate it. And my dad's like, That's the snake you always wanted! And I'm like, This is probably because we have the same name, you have ___ us again.

Knock yourself out.

Get The Machete! (5) The Machete, Revisited

Pythons may not be poisonous but they ___ have teeth. You really don't want to ___ with them, least of all ___ rubbing their nose in their own pee. The snake waits until my dad gets close enough and then it ___ its move—it sinks its teeth into my dad's hand and it ___ on for dear life.

Knock yourself out.

Oh This Wedding (1) Love Is For Suckers

Last weekend, my friends Josh and Heather got married. Now, let me make one thing ___ clear right now: Love is for ___ . Jim Anchower's a free spirit. I can't let a woman ___ me back. You'll never see me walking ___ that aisle except as best man. Sorry to disappoint you, ladies, but that's just how it is.

Knock yourself out.

Oh This Wedding (2) Biting Bullets

In my case, that's a huge ___ , but one that I'm willing to make. They say there's no such thing as a free ___ , but a wedding is as close as it gets. So you'd better bite the ___ and wear something nice.

Knock yourself out.

Oh This Wedding (3) Careful Now

There are things that you have to be really careful about when it ___ to weddings. Like clothes. You can't just wear what you normally wear because then people will point at you and shake their heads and ___ to each other. It's really ___ and you spend the whole day wishing you had stayed home. This has actually happened to me a few times and I don't want it to happen ever again.

Knock yourself out.

Oh This Wedding (4) The Deadbeat

When I realized I had ___ turned up at the wrong church I got into my car and ___ over to where the wedding actually took place. I got there just in time to see the bride and groom drive off to the reception. ___ I knew a shortcut to the bar where it was taking place, I was able to get there before everyone else.

Knock yourself out.

Oh This Wedding (5) Woozy'n'Wasted

Every wedding I ___ invited to, I always give the happy couple some old boots that I would ___ throw away. It doesn't cost me anything and everyone always ___ there's some deep meaning behind it so no one ___ asks any questions.

Knock yourself out.

My Rusty Old German (3)

ME: It's painful to see all that knowledge ___ away.
FR: You still ___ it, if you ask me.
ME: Yeah, maybe. I need to ___ up, though.
FR: Don't we ___ ?

Knock yourself out.

My Rusty Old German (2)

FR: So what do you do when your German ___ you down?
ME: I usually ___ back on English. Everyone speaks English, don't they?
FR: And how is your English ___ to your German?
ME: I'd say it's a little better, but it's ___ from perfect.

Knock yourself out.

My Rusty Old German (1)

ME: Hey man, what are you so ___ up about?
FR: I just spoke German with this guy from Switzerland.
ME: And?
FR: And I ___ . It was a total ___ .

Knock yourself out.

My Stepdaughter (4) The Text

Tanya got all red in the face, stammered a little, ___ not to know what I was talking about, tried to turn the ___ , but I wasn't going to let her get under my ___ this time. I ended up giving her an ultimatum. I said I ___ be contacting a divorce lawyer first thing on Monday ___ she came clean about the whole texting thing. That's when she finally cracked.

Knock yourself out.

My Stepdaughter (3) The Text

Two days later I was finally able to have a private conversation with Laura. By then there was no ___ in my mind that Tanya made Laura lie about the text. I stressed that I believed ___ of this was really Laura's fault, but I ___ that she needed to tell me the truth. I promised not to get mad, as long as I knew the truth. She eventually ___ she had been forced to lie.

Knock yourself out.

My Stepdaughter (2) The Text

We were at the grocery store later and while Tanya was walking a bit ___ us, I casually said to Laura, "I'd ___ you didn't text me from your mom's phone." She was like, "What are you talking about? I ___ used my mom's phone in weeks. I don't even know her password ___ ."

Knock yourself out.

My Stepdaughter (1) The Text

My 9 year old step-daughter Laura has been using her mom's phone to ___ me sometimes. So I wasn't surprised to get a text from her on my way home this Friday. ___ something about the text didn't feel right. I had a feeling it was ___ my wife, Tanya, pretending to be her daughter and trying to make me feel ___ .

Knock yourself out.

Wrong Side Of The Road (4) Uphill Starts

I'm not a 100% sure that the reasons to keep trying completely outweigh the reasons I want to quit. But it's a start and I can't let myself give in to ___ . There's also the possibility that I'm going about this all wrong. I might be wasting my time trying to adapt. Maybe I ___ never have moved here in the first place. But I can't throw in the towel just yet.

Knock yourself out.

Wrong Side Of The Road (3) Pros And Cons

Reasons I hate driving now: 1. Everything I knew about driving just got ___ out the window; 2. I don't ___ the road markings. If I'd grown up here it would be easier to understand what road marks mean but I have no ___ what the difference is between the different kinds of crossings; 3. I keep wanting to drive on the right no matter how many times I ___ myself not to; 4. Roundabouts may be a good idea but they are ___ difficult to handle (plus they make me sick when I'm the passenger).

Knock yourself out.

Wrong Side Of The Road (2) Hating On My Car

The car only had 60K miles on ___ and is in good enough condition. It's had no major rework or accidents, which is good to know. The only problem with the car, or my problem rather, is that it's a manual and I've been driving a manual for the grand total of 1 week ( ___ is how long I have owned it). The thing is, I need a car that makes me feel safe and welcome and this one doesn't. I need my car to be comfortable and reliable ...

Knock yourself out.

Wrong Side Of The Road (1) The Backstory

I am a licensed driver in the US and I have been licensed for 12 years. Now I need to learn it all ___ again. You are probably wondering if I've had some horrible freak accident and lost all of my memories associated with driving. Well, I ___ and if I had it would actually make learning a new way of driving easier. My problem has nothing to do with my ability to drive, it has to do with where I am right now.

Knock yourself out.